From the frantic searches based on the above title, we assume fans of the ‘Abbey’ are desperate for news. Our lips are sealed on series 3 and the Christmas special (though we know that Santa himself has been in negotiations for a cameo appearance), but we can reveal, from a source known only as ‘Creepy Crawley’ that there are plans afoot as far ahead as series 5. We are given to believe that:
· HAVING found an heir, the Earl is so shaken by repeated threats to the inheritance that he hangs on and on, only dying on 3rd September 1939 at the thought of wearing a uniform around the house through yet another war.
· MATTHEW, racked with guilt over Lavinia’s death of a broken heart, has got engaged to a series of lookalikes, only to lose all of them one after another when they realise that he is still in thrall to Lady Mary’s arched eyebrows.
· SYBIL has joined the IRA in exasperation after her husband accepts the peace. Unfortunately her wearing of dark trouser suits means she is arrested not as a terrorist, but being mistaken for her sister Lady Edith, who has joined Moseley’s new party.
· LADY MARY has had a daughter with Richard Carlisle, who now runs the BBC as well as the Times. She wants a son, but he dotes on the girl until he realises that she has washerwoman’s elbows that nothing can cure.
· CORA has tracked down Jane and persuaded her to come and live at Downton as the Earl’s mistress, so that she can concentrate on good works with Isobel and the odd game of ping-pong with O’Brien.
· WILLIAM’s ghost has been spotted whenever ‘11’ appears in the date. Carson is slow to believe it until he himself finds the footman’s livery in his old room. He’s rarely there since beginning a torrid affair with a fellow-servant (we can’t say!). Downton hasn’t had a footman since 1920, when nasty O’Brien married Lady Mary’s parlourmaid in order to be near to Richard’s young and handsome brother.
· SAVED at the eleventh (when else?) hour from the gallows, Bates is reprieved by a shady government enterprise on the understanding that he will spy on and, if necessary, assassinate subversive factions. He marries Anna as cover but his work soon brings him into conflict with both Sybil and Lady Edith.
· VIOLET expired after eating one of Mrs Patmore’s puddings, to which she added arsenic, misreading the label for arrowroot while wearing pink steamed-up spectacles. She lives in fear of being discovered and is being blackmailed by O’Brien.
More news from our inside ears as we get it.
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